Solitude

I've got a couple of days off this week, while Colby students are away on spring break.  I'm splitting my time between home by myself and quiet catch-up time in the office.  I get a fair enough amount of time off during the year, but these two days are a real vacation as I'm spending them by myself - at least until evening when Don gets home from school.  It is heaven.

I crave time alone and am fortunate to have a partner who honors it when I most need it.  I can tell him that I need him to spend some time out of the house on a Saturday or Sunday if I really need him to.  He gets lonely during his school vacations and I take time during those weeks to keep him company.  I, however, do not get lonely easily.  Don't get me wrong, I do know that I'm fortunate to have Don come home in the evening, but these two days are real vacation day for me.  I don't have to go anywhere or talk to anyone, unless I choose to.

I complete projects and get things done that I just can't do when people are around.  I don't have to explain what I'm doing.  I can bop from project to project without notice.  I can even turn off the radio/stereo/TV and have... silence... if I want.  Mostly, I just soak it up.  The silence, that is.

ON MY NEEDLES
I seamed up the shoulders and sewed the sleeves on my Fargo sweater today.  I'm now about half-way through knitting on the shawl collar.  I'll have a finished sweater by tomorrow night (maybe even tonight if I go knit now!).  (Apologies for the color -- will try to take a finished shot tomorrow in better light.)

I've been working slowly on a beaded lace shawl for my mother - she wanted one with "bling."  The Sivia Harding pattern I purchased is beautiful, but I was just not enjoying it AT ALL.  So, today I broke off the yarn, put the whole thing on a holder and will start over with another shawl pattern that I'll enjoy more.  The center of the abandoned shawl was a complex cabled affair and I just hated working on it.  So nice to let go of that project!

The first clue in the Romi Mystery Shawl KAL (knit a-long) arrived in my mailbox on Friday.  I finished the first clue today.  I'm using purple and green Malabrigo fingering weight yarn.  Who knows what it will turn out like, but I generally love Romi's designs. 

Two other projects are underway.  I'm finishing the second sleeve of a project I resurrected recently.  It had been stashed away for years and I just don't know why I stopped working on it.  It is a cardigan from a knitting booklet that was my mother's.  I made this cardigan about 30 years ago and it wore out, so this was a replacement (sort-of - the original was cream colored and this is garnet colored).  When I finish the sleeve it will just be seaming up and then button and buttonhole bands to finish up.

And, I had a fit of startitis last weekend.  I'm making a simple pullover called Calabash - easy knitting that doesn't take a lot of attention until I get to the yoke.  Should be a quickie.

Unsettled

On our walk today, I found the word that best describes how I've been feeling lately. 

On Wednesday, we took our beloved older cat, Pandora, to the vet to be put to sleep.  I can only write about it now without crying, after 4 days I do still clutch up when I think about her, but the sobbing has pretty much stopped.  She had pancreatitis, which we learned about a few months ago, and it was just eating her up inside.  Although she showed very little sign of being in pain, she had lost more than half her weight, her urine was full of blood, and she vomited at least once each day.  But, her appetite was still strong and she still loved to be wherever we were.  I bought her a heated cat seat and she loved it as I think she was cold a lot of the time.

Anyway, now matter how much I know it was the right thing to do for her, my heart still hurts.  She really was my little girl and I miss her.  Our other cat isn't much of a lap-sitter or cuddler, so although I'm glad we have her, it doesn't provide much tactile comfort, the way having Panny in my lap would do.

But, as the initial shock has subsided, I find myself feeling unsettled about any number of things, not just the loss of Pandora.  It is as if the shock has uncovered a lot of other things that aren't resolved. For example, I'm still unsettled about all of the changes we've made in our house.  The new kitchen still looks just a little not-right with the new stainless steel appliances and different flooring and countertops.  There are bits of work that still need to be done - especially painting the woodwork.

We moved our bed out of the annex to the bigger room which should have been our bedroom all along but was my sewing room and our catch-all room for over 20 years.  We haven't really done much with the room as the windows are due to be replaced this summer and I hope to replace the ceiling and carpet at the same time, as well as paint the walls.  It was my idea, and I do really think we're going to like it when it is all spiffed up, but the sounds are different at night, the light is different, and anything "different" right now is unsettling.

My "fiber room" is in disarray- a pretty good representation of my state of mind.  I've spent some hours there this week clearing stuff away and trying to find my way around in it, but it is still a long way from really being the studio I want it to be.  Plus, it is full of half-finished projects.  I'm trying to work on finishing up some of them as it will clear out a lot of storage space, but still feel a bit overwhelmed when I look around.  These photos actually show it looking a lot better than it did two days ago!

Work is still unsettling - even though everything is immeasurably better than it was a year ago.  Although I'm really happy with our new Director, and feeling better and better about her leadership in our office every month, there are still lots of question marks.  We need to fill three positions for next year, and that many new co-workers will undoubtedly be challenging (not necessarily in all negative ways, for sure).  Plus, everyone at Colby is holding their breath a bit as we await the arrival of a new president of the college in July.  I just wonder if I have the strength to weather all the change coming down the road at me.

But, there are positive changes happening at the same time. I'm participating in a "preventing diabetes" class at the hospital and have lost 10 lbs.  It feels great and I'm planning to lose 5-10 more.  There are those outbreaks of happiness I've written about.  The temps got up to 47 degrees today and it was sunny (probably some real signs of spring under the several feet of snow we have would help me out a lot).  And despite my unsettled feelings about lots of things, I'm so lucky to have rock solid Don right her with me.

So, I guess I'll keep knitting along this journey and see where it takes me.

ON MY NEEDLES:
I wore my Hibernate a couple of times before realizing that one sleeve was wider than the other at the wrist.  Sure enough, when I counted, it was 4 stitches wider, which, in bulky yarn, is rather significant (more than an inch).  I ripped out the sleeve yesterday and re-knit it (well, I have a few inches to go, but am nearly done) to match the smaller one.

I finished Nate's vest - just need to wash and dry it (I made the boys' vests in superwash so they couldn't possibly shrink them).

I'm still working on Nate's socks - I'm turning the heel on both of them.

I'm most of the way through the first sleeve for a sweater I started in the fall but put aside during the holidays.  Fargo, out of a denim blue Berocco Peruvia that I had a sweaters-worth of in my stash.

And while doing some tidying in my fiber room today, I pulled out a half-knit cardigan sweater and spent about an hour fiddling with it until I could figure out where I was in the pattern and get going on it again.  I think I put it aside because the yarn was acrylic and I've become somewhat of a yarn snob in the past few years (yes, it has been set aside for several years).  But the yarn is actually a nice one with a lovely dark ruby heather color and I think I'll be very glad to have it in my sweater collection instead of on my fiber room shelves.

OFF MY NEEDLES
I offered to make co-workers some fingerless mitts this winter, but didn't get the project off the ground.  The pattern I wanted to use called for Lush, a wool and angora blend yarn, which turned out to be discontinued.  No substitute can be found as it appears that all angora yarn is not available at the moment.  The project languished until I found another pattern and yarn that I thought I could enjoy knitting several times over (2 hands X 3 co-workers is a lot of knitting the same thing).  A very plain, free "mittlets" pattern from my LYS, with a variegated wool yarn.  The color changes make it do-able.  Anyway, I've got one mitt done, so that counts for "off my needles," even though there are 7 to go (making myself a pair too).

Also, I finally put together and sewed on a label for the quilt I'd made for Nate.  Now to find time to take it, and the sweater, and maybe finished socks (?) down to him in NH.

Outbreaks of Happiness

Lately I've been noticing something strange.  I've started to call them "outbreaks of happiness" and they are happening more frequently.  The latest was today in church where I was sitting in a ray of sun and just felt happy to be in that place, at that time, sitting next to my husband.  Just an "it feels good to be alive" kind of feeling. 

Two things that make this a bit strange.  One is that there are some sad things happening in my life at the moment.  My parents' health is failing and I'm just wondering when the next crisis will hit.  I attended, just yesterday, the funeral of a woman at church who died young and left a 16-year-old daughter motherless.  And, most imminent, my 15-year old cat is dying.  If we're lucky, we'll have her with us just a few more weeks.  Still, there are outbreaks of happiness.

The other is that I haven't been what I would call unhappy. And yet, these outbreaks of happiness are quite a contrast to my usual dogged attempt to live a balanced life.  And I think I like it.

ON MY NEEDLES
I just cast on a pair of socks, needing some "plain vanilla" knitting to carry around with me.  I got through the ribbing while at Annual Church Meeting this morning (given I'm working on size 1 needles, that seems pretty good).  They are the LongJohn Socks by Ann Hanson, meant to mimic the waffle weave of long johns.  Pretty appropriate choice for the cold weather.

Still finishing up Nate's Christmas present, a vest. 

OFF THE NEEDLES
Hibernate is done!  All that is left to do is to block it and put buttons on it (when they arrive in the order I just placed with KnitPicks today).  I ripped back the 7" of seed stitch on the bottom and made set-in pockets instead of the on-seam pockets that were part of the pattern.  I rarely make big changes in patterns, so am rather proud of myself on this one.

Zeben's Christmas present vest is done -- drying on the blocking board.

Togetherness

I'm on a diet.  Usually it is a lonely task, and although my husband has always been supportive when I undertake to lose a little weight, he gets a little grumpy about how my changes in food choices make his diet bland or even "bo-o-o-o-o-rrrring."

This time, though, we're in it together.  We're taking a Preventing Diabetes class through the local hospital which I learned about at the wellness fair at work.  I'm at very high risk of ending up with Type 2 Diabetes due to having both parents with diabetes, having had a pregnancy with over 13 lbs. of baby (even though it was two babies), having had to control my sugar levels with diet throughout my pregnancy, my age, and being a woman.  Ugh.

The up-side of this is that the class is free, and I get to bring Don along as a support participant even though he is barely at risk despite having a father who is diabetic.  And, God bless him, he's jumping in with both feet.  We've been talking every night about how our eating day went, trading numbers and helping each other sort out fat gram and calorie counts (sometimes involving complex math!) as we track our eating habits, now in our second week.

This is a whole different experience than anything else I've tried (Weight Watchers several times and lots of self-imposed attempts) and I know the difference is having Don so closely involved.  I'm feeling confident that I'll have success this time in getting my weight down below the "overweight" line on the charts and finding a way to keep it there.  I'm fortunate that losing only 12 lbs is my first goal - there are others who are needing to lose 30+ pounds, including one woman who has already lost 60! 

Togetherness -- thanks, sweetie, for really, truly being there for me in all the meanings of that phrase!  Wish us luck!

Speaking of togetherness, here are the girls, sharing the electric cat seat I got to help keep the older one, who is ill, warm.

2013 Summary

(Written on December 18, 2013)

2013 was a very unusual year.  I think the ill luck of 13 was in the air this year.  Fortunately, along with the bad comes some good – there definitely was a yin and yang to the year!

Yin: My Director in the Career Center made an emotionally difficult decision in December, 2012 to take a job at Dartmouth and left in April.  He hired away another co-worker, leaving the Career Center severely short-handed for the end of the semester and the summer.

Yang: We were incredibly fortunate to find a local applicant (through a national search, of course) to fill the position in July.  The new Director brings skills that were very much needed to the job, along with enthusiasm and energy.

Yin: The Career Center limped into the academic year still down a couple of staff members when the person we were very excited to hire as an Assistant Director let us know three weeks before the semester started that she had taken another position.

Yang: We were able to hire a colleague in a temporary position for the year who already knew a great deal about internships and so aren’t limping as badly as we might be, even though we’re still down, technically, a half person (and, in reality, 1 ½ people).

Yin: This was a biggie.  Over the 4^th of July weekend, when we were away (naturally), our cat sitter discovered one morning that our house was full of water.  A pipe had burst in the upstairs bathroom vanity (the mesh kind that are supposed to last forever) during the night and our kitchen and basement below were flooded with over 650 gallons of water.

Yang: Thank God for cat sitters and their fathers!  They called Advance 1 and got the basement pumped before we got home (we were 5 hours away in RI).  When we arrived there were fans and dehumidifiers installed throughout the house.  The fast response, I’m sure, saved our hardwood floors in 4 rooms.

Yin: The kitchen we gutted and refinished just 10 years ago was once again torn out to the studs.  The bathroom floor and vanity were totaled.  At night, for several weeks, you could see light from the bathroom to the basement, or the other way around, between the base floor planks.

Yang: The toilet, shower, refrigerator, utility sink in the basement, and the washer and dryer all continued to function.  And it was summer, so we were able to cook on the patio using the grill and our Coleman stove.

Yin: Because we often get water in the basement in the spring, we had everything in plastic boxes or up off the floor.  However, we weren’t prepared for water coming from above, so we spent many hours sorting out wet things and drying them or pitching them.

Yang: We’ve been wanting to clean out the basement for a long time.  We built new shelves and are happier with the storage and the room generated on that side of the basement.  We had a lot of stuff to contribute to the church fair sale.

Yin: It was 3 ½ months before we had a functioning kitchen.  Two weeks after everything had been installed, the stalwart refrigerator died, extending the project to a full 4 months.

Yang: We have a brand-new kitchen that looks a lot like the old kitchen (same color walls, same style cabinets since we had to match the ones in the mudroom).  But this kitchen has all new appliances (stainless steel since we can’t get “bisque” anymore), including a gas range (upgrade from electric and we love it), granite countertops (Maine granite, no less), and vinyl flooring (much less worry in the kitchen and mudroom than the old laminate floor). 

Also Yang: The bathroom also enjoyed a renovation, even though technically only the floor and vanity needed to be replaced.  We put in a new ceiling and tiled over the bathtub ceiling, got a taller vanity, love the new vinyl flooring, and found a remnant piece of granite for the vanity top that I find endlessly fascinating to look at.

Yin: Hardwood floors in 4 rooms were damaged.  We had to completely empty them for a week to refinish the floors, which meant that the other rooms left (our bedroom, the living room – which was already full of boxes from the kitchen – and the porch) were jammed to the rafters with furniture and “stuff.”

Yang: We have 4 rooms with beautifully refinished floors.  While they were empty we painted the ceilings in 3 of them (along with the bathroom and kitchen ceilings).  And we are still slowly moving back into each of them in a more intentional way, throwing things out (or putting them in the church sale). 

Yin: my sewing room was engulfed with furniture and “stuff” and all of my knitting supplies are still boxed up in the basement.  I skipped the Maine Quilt Show completely for the first time in probably 15 years.  I held out some yarn for projects I wanted to work on, but had to go buy new needles every time I needed a different size because I couldn’t for the life of me find them in the basement boxes.

Yang: I’m actually going to have a real “fiber room/studio” – the kind I’ve dreamed of for many, many years.  Nate’s old room got re-plastered (one of those “while we’re at it” projects that had been “on the list” but wasn’t probably going to get done for another year) and painted.  Don and I took apart my massive sewing table and moved it into the room. We purchased IKEA shelves and I’m slowly moving in, trying to be thoughtful about where and what will be in there.

Yin: I’m exhausted.  Which has pretty much sapped any Christmas enthusiasm.  I came home from visiting my parents last weekend to find Don putting up decorations because he was afraid I wasn’t going to put any up myself.  The tree has been in for well over a week but all it has on it are lights.  I’ve done absolutely zero holiday cooking (though I’m planning to spend a lunch hour to make spiced nuts).  Gift buying has been painful – I just don’t seem to have any good ideas and don’t want to face the traffic in the stores and the parking lots.

Yang: I’ve got the next 12 days off and am particularly looking forward to the after-Christmas days.  I’m also really, really looking forward to seeing my sons.  Zeben will be home most of my vacation, and I hope we’ll see Nate more than once during that time too (in addition to Christmas Eve and Day).  If the weather doesn’t interfere, I’ll get to see all of my cousins on the Talbot side, as well as all of my siblings this Saturday, and cousins on the Smith side on the 26th.  And, we’ll have our usual family-full Christmas and a fun New Year’s Eve with friends.

Yin: My parents’ health continues to decline and that makes me sad, mad, and sadder.

Yang: My parents are still with us and are still living independently.  And their health issues have prodded me to take a “Preventing Diabetes” class through our local hospital starting in January with the hopes of losing a bit of weight and also replacing some bad habits with some new good ones.

Yin: I started out the year wearing a brace day and night to help jumpstart recovery from tendonitis in my right wrist.

Yang: With the help of an OT, daily wrist exercises, and wearing the brace at night, the pain is now very nearly gone. 

Yin: Our older cat (15 years) is suffering from pancreatitis and has lost 4 of her 11 pounds of weight in just three months.  We thought the weight loss was from the stress of the work on the house, but after blood tests were done it clearly is more than that.  We have to check the floors when we come home as she has trouble keeping her food down.

Yang: Pandora has given us a great deal of companionship and joy over the past 15 years.  While she is getting more and more frail all the time, she doesn’t seem to be in major pain and more than ever wants to be wherever we are.  She’s still eating and drinking, even if she can’t keep it all down.  I’m looking forward to lots of Pandora lap time over vacation.

And, major Yang: Don has been my rock through all of this, even when all I can manage to do in the evening is play Candy Crush on the iPad.   I’m so grateful for his love and support.

Now, let’s put 2013 behind us and move forward into a new year.  Two bright spots that hopefully indicate our luck is turning – I recently won a gift card in a drawing a work and won a sweater’s worth of yarn from my local yarn store in another drawing.  A little more paint and the whole house will look refreshed from top to bottom.  We’ve gotten pretty good at cleaning stuff out and hope to apply those skills to the garage and other side of the basement (that miraculously didn’t get wet at all in the flood) next summer.  We’ve got our health, good jobs, and each other.  I’m sure there will be bumps in the road, but overall I’m looking forward to a great year.

Happy New Year!

I have two goals this year.  First, I've declared it the year of finishing unfinished projects.  Second, I've got to make some steps backward in my health.

As far as projects, the first is to finish the house projects.  I'll post my year-end summary the next time I log on, but suffice it to say that there are a number of things left to do after a major renovation project over the summer and fall.  One result of the renovations is my own, real work studio.  I have a room of my own!  But as I slowly move my knitting and sewing stuff into that room, I'm finding all kinds of unfinished projects.  Finishing them would free up a lot of storage space.

Four of these cubes are filled with unfinished knitting projects.  The rest with unstarted projects, but that is a whole different story.  First up to finish?  Two vests for my boys, two sweaters for me, mittens for Don, and a label to be added to Nate's quilt.

Going backwards on health sounds like it isn't a positive thing, but I'm looking at is as going back to a level of fitness I've had in the past.  I'm starting a "Preventing Diabetes" class through the hospital on Tuesday and dragging Don along with me.  Hopefully that will help me lose some weight.  And, we're going to try to get outdoors doing something active (starting today with snowshoeing) at least two weekends a month this year.  My athletic goal is to run a 5K by the end of the summer.

Last, but not least, I'm going to try to get back to blogging.  There was an NPR story recently about the value of writing in keeping a positive outlook (my take on the story).

ON MY NEEDLES
Hibernate, knitting with Brown Sheep Bulky.  Pretty much an instant gratification sweater if there is one.  I started on Christmas Day and have finished the body.  I've got to go pick up some needles to do the sleeves (still can't find all my needles from the summer chaos).

Two vests for my boys, using Cascade Superwash which I'm loving -- it is a lovely, springy yarn.

Those are the only three active projects at the moment.

Change is Just... So... Hard

I recently attended our Diocesan Convention and heard the story of St. Columba who built a coracle and paddled (sailed?) it from Ireland to an island off the coast of Scotland where he started a new religious community (short version).  The convention's theme was centered on the change we need to bring in our church (at all levels) and our home parishes in order for our church to survive in the face of challenges too numerous to name here.  I told Don all of this when I got home and said that I feel a bit like St. Columba, heading off into the unknown and he said, "bobbing along in the water, sighting land ahead?" I said that I actually felt more like I was only at the point of thinking about building myself a coracle.

But, change has a way of happening whether it fits your schedule or not.  You can't wait for a propitious wind to set sail on uncharted waters -- usually, life just throws you off the dock.

That is sort of how my life has felt the past few years.  Every time I turn around, life is throwing me off the dock into cold, deep water.  I've written here about a couple of the big events -- my sons going to and then graduating from college and my parents' move out of their home and their independence into an apartment with need for more support from family and doctors.  The past summer and fall brought change and the prospect of change even closer with my Dad's health problems - the sudden realization he was not going to live forever was scary (yes, I know he's human, but I still can't imagine life without him).

The most recent changes, or possible changes, came in a cluster of three.  First, a colleague whom I value has been offered a job - the verdict is still out on this change, but it won't be easy for anyone if it goes through and has led to some introspection about professional change and challenge.  Next, our neighbors of 23 years, with whom we share a driveway and who are like family to us, turned 90 this year and finally decided to move in with their daughter, 2 hours away.  The moving truck came last Friday and their house stands relatively empty and completely dark at this point.  Also on Friday morning, it was announced that my favorite radio show on our local public radio station was ending that day after a 30+ year run.

What did I do in the face of these last two events?  I bawled.  I went to work late with puffy, red eyes and told everyone I was having a bad day.  Life goes on - yesterday was the church fair and demanded full attention, but apart from that distraction, I find that the tears are still just under the surface, threatening to break through if given the slightest opportunity.  Change is just... so... hard.

ON MY NEEDLES
Despite my tendonitis, I'm nearly done with a Miss BB sweater - just one sleeve to knit and then I can put it together.  Doctor's appointment for the wrist in a week - hurrah!

I'm always envious of knitters who get to go to knitting retreats: Sock Summit, SOAR, Knitting Lab, Squam Lake, etc.  So, I've joined Craftsy and when they had a sale on classes recently, I bought three.  I'm looking forward to doing Portulaca with Carol Feller and a Lopi sweater with Ragga Eriksdotter in Iceland. The third is about fitting your knits to your figure - I took a class on this once, but could use a refresher.